Sunday, November 06, 2005

some people just don't want to understand...

so great...i've been sleepless the whole day.. and when i finally do feel tired enough to not stay awake any longer, i fall asleep...but hey, someone starts a row, a shouting fit. asking me to start explaining everything. i walk out, wondering what all the commotion is about, yelling continues. i try to explain myself, but there's not much point is there? no matter how much i try to explain my situation... time after time after time... the yelling continues. i raise my voice a little trying to get myself heard... still yelling... voice gets a bit louder again... then " EH YOU DON'T SHOUT AT ME AH.. WHY CAN'T YOU TALK TO ME?" thats when i start getting angry.. i've been trying to explain to you so many times.. but you don't want to listen... i figure out that staying there trying to explain whats going on to the other party is a lost cause. i give up talking and walk out.

trying to go back to bed again...tired...physically and mentally drained. why bother askign me somethign when you don't even bother to listen. yelling continues to be heard. apparently still on the same topic, just a different target. few moments later.. i hear my name being mentioned again... i go out again try to explain once more..

but before i can explain anything, blame and accusation on whose fault this comes charging at me. i try to say that, this isthe decision i have to make... there's not choice but to start building over again from another material... then that someone starts saying that i'm not doing work... thre's no effort put in.. again this is when i lose my sanity.....

how can you say that i don't care about what i'm doing... how can you even think that i don't want to do it properly.. don't you think i feel troubled enough that for the past four days i could get nothing done.. and its not because i don't want to do anything. you don't know how frustrating it is to WANT TO DO WORK.. but CAN'T DO IT. For the past FOUR days, i've felt helpless, but hey its the holidays. NO SHOP IS GONNA OPEN FOR YOU TO GET MATERIALS FROM THEM.. so i do what i can.. i do the only thing i can do, sit down and wait till monday so i can get the supplies i need to start over...its not like i have any other choice but to wait. i don't feel great about all this procrastination..but its unavoidable...

what i don't understand is, why can't you understand how i feel? why don't you bother to look at it form my point of view.. do you think that its wonderful feeling helpless? i already feel all the stress and pressure pushing me beyond my limits.. but i try to hang on... try my best to keep faith that i can finish this project on time.. but you don't understand that... you don't understsand that i feel stressed out enough now, in fact ..instead of making me feel better, you make me feel worse.... hell i don't even want you to make me feel better by saying anything, i just wish you could shut up and leave it be..

day after day, you kill my enthusiasm.
day after day, you take away what i feel proud off.
day after day, you say words that that should remain unsaid.

sometimes i wonder if it pains you to see me happy. sometimes i wonder, maybe i've been doing eerything wrong, because nothing ever seems to measure up to you expectations.

*pulls hair frustratedly*



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